Birdwings
“Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror
up to where you’re bravely working.
Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.
Your hand opens and closes
and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.
Your deepest presence
is in every small contracting and expanding
the two as beautifully balanced and coordinate
as birdwings.”
- Rumi
Today I feel a bit of peace, after a few weeks of inner shifting. Change is difficult, even when all of the changes that have been made have the best ones a person has made.
I am such a different person than the woman who rang in the 2010 New Year at nearly 220 pounds. I am such a different person than even six months ago. This person has been doing a lot of growing, a lot of thinking, a lot of healing, a lot of accepting, and a lot of struggling with the idea of changes this big.
This week was hard in ways that previous weeks hadn’t been, because I didn’t realize that I was having a difficult week until it was almost over. I thought I was just making my way through another week that seemed more manageable than the week before, but by the end of the week more than a handful of people had commented on or asked about my mood… was I feeling okay? had they done something? why was I so quiet? was I upset?
When I checked inside, everything seemed to be in working order, but I realized that the energy it’s taking right now to keep everything in working order isn’t leaving a lot of energy for anything else. My sense of humor is a little off most of the time (or missing), my emotions are a little flat, and I’m often tired. It’s a displacement of energy. With all of the effort I’ve been making to keep myself in working order, some of the quirky extras have been put on hold, or feel forced right now.
Last night, Jim and I went to an Aeros game and it was most genuine fun I’ve had all week. I actually laughed and forgot about a million things. I need to go to more baseball games. The Indians game we went to the evening after my Big Decision was the last time I felt that much like myself. Baseball games might be my favorite thing to do with Jim.
It’s not just the recent change that’s a lot to absorb, either. I’m in a bit of a fitness rut, not running, really needing to figure out what workout feels like it will be an exciting change for the summer. Sometimes, even 1.4 lbs from my goal weight, I still feel like a fat girl on the inside and I struggle with maintaining an accurate self image.
The Rumi poem reminds me to just keep moving through it. Some days will be difficult and others will be amazing and I will continue to contract and expand to accommodate the wind as it moves through my birdwings.
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